It Was Red, White and Blue
by HYPERIONgc
Summary: "He was not going to keep it together. He couldn't anymore." The last scene of "Knockout" from Castle's perspective and my prediction for what follows. Hope this gets us through the Summer, Castillions. T rating to be safe, may change later.
1. It Was Red, White and Blue

**First, I want to thank everyone for the amazing feedback on this first chapter. If you haven't read it yet, I want to start by saying this is my first FanFic I have published and this community is amazing. PLEASE comment, I love you all to death and I will definitely come by your fics and read and rate as well. :)**

**Second, the feedback has inspired me to continue this story and add some chapters! Stay tuned!**

**PS. I don't own Castle, I only like to pretend I do ;)**

**Enjoy!**

**K.E.**

* * *

><p>His heart was pounding in his chest, threatening to leap out and leave him. He wasn't sure when he realized that there were drummers beating out a rhythm just as quick and terrifying, but he heard them somewhere, in the back of his mind.<p>

Castle stopped breathing for a second as the hearse pulled up to them. It almost looked like it was gliding over the green slope - chasing the police horse to it's final resting place. _Montgomery's_ final resting place. It wasn't a dark, cloudy day that day. It wasn't raining hell and high water down on them. Castle wasn't sure why Pathetic Fallacy was one of his coping mechanisms but he found himself angry at the sun behind his sunglasses; silently asking why the sun wasn't mourning too. The vast expanse of green grass was scarred with little gray stones, here and there, row by row and all Castle could think about was his friend Michael Connelly and the first book he published.

_White stones sprouted in the manicured grass..._

The hearse slowly braked and the engine was still. The back door opened - Castle didn't notice who opened it - he always noticed, he observed, that was what he did but he didn't see it this time. His mind was reeling with thoughts and words and colors he couldn't shut out. He couldn't turn it off.

_Like row after row of baby teeth...All those graves. _

There must have been rollers under the coffin to help slide it out of the hearse because there was a metal on metal sound - so small but he heard it. It was coming closer - he grasped the handle he needed to hold...and didn't let go. They began their march towards the plot where everyone waited. Everyone. Such a vague word, but he meant it. Family, friends, fellow officers and some people no one really knew. The ground crunched beneath his shoes and the coffin was getting heavier with every step he took. He wished the drummers would stop playing. He couldn't focus.

_Such neat rows. I try never to look out the windows here._

The officers lining their wake saluted and the guests at the funeral stared. There was red, white and blue everywhere he looked. The coffin, the graves, people wore it and carried it...God Bless America and you...you Star Spangled Banner, you're everywhere and nowhere and all that red, white and blue and Protecting and Serving...What good did that do the Captain? He was down and done. He made his stand and Castle could only stare blankly and hope to whatever God there was that he had done enough. He certainly gave up enough.

Castle stopped. He was going to drive himself crazy. He didn't know he could think so much. He heard Esposito shout and they all lowered the Captain down. He shouted again, and the officers turned - walked away. They were just leaving him there for the dirt. He swallowed hard and was angry at the sun again. It was too hot and his sunglasses were pinching and slipping. He pulled them off and caught a glimpse of Montgomery's wife and kids...he forgot their names...he never forgot names. What was her name? Someone had taken the flag and they were folding it for her. Castle didn't want to look at her but he couldn't stop. His heart hurt for her in a way he hadn't felt before and he hated it. She was shaking as they handed her the flag. _Evelyn_. He remembered. _Her name is Evelyn._ His hands shook and he shoved them in his pockets.

Kate stepped up to the makeshift podium that that had been set up for the funeral. Castle rooted himself to the ground beside her. She wanted to say her piece, to lay him to rest with honor and dignity. He understood that. He had died a hero and if it wasn't for him Kate wouldn't be here alive. The thought shook him but fell silent as she started to give her speech - her eulogy to their friend, boss, teacher...Captain.

"Roy Montgomery taught me what it meant to be a cop. He taught me that we are bound by our choices but we are more than our mistakes. Captain Montgomery once said to me that there is no victory. There are only battles...and in the end the best you can hope for is to find a place to make your stand."

Castle scanned the crowd and his eyes fell on Jim Beckett. The last time he saw him (which was also the first) he had begged Castle to make Kate stand down. He hoped he had done alright in that department...she was standing, at least. He liked Jim, he was a good man and a good father, to raise someone like Kate. Castle knew about his past already, how he reacted when he lost Johanna. He made a mental note to sit down and have a good talk with him later. Maybe discuss something more pleasant than death.

His mother and Alexis were beside Jim, sitting like matching redheaded bookends, stoic and graceful. He hadn't liked the idea of his mother moving in with him a few years ago but things had changed and now he found himself actually enjoying her company. A lot had changed in the past few years, come to think of it. He found it difficult to breathe or swallow again. He held back what threatened to be tears, finding a spot in the grass to stare at.

"And if you're very lucky you find someone willing to stand with you." Kate paused and he looked at her. Their eyes met and locked in a moment of "It's going to be okay" understanding. They were going to fight the fight together, official partners or not - they were okay. He took a breath and tried to find a spot to stare at again. So help him God he would not lose it today, she needed him to be strong. Alexis needed him to be strong too. Mostly, he just wanted to keep himself together. His eyes fixed on a row of graves the next field over and he stared a hole through it, willing himself to be stronger.

"Our Captain would want us to carry on the fight," He heard Kate speaking but his breath hitched when he saw something glint in the sun. What was that? He tried to focus on the spot it came from - behind one of the gravestones in the distance...Was it just a glint from a kids toy or memento someone left? He had seen small picture frames left on loved one's gravestones...there it was again. It was moving slightly...shining under the sun and pointed straight ahead...He looked at Kate then back at the flash, back and forth, but his brain wouldn't compute...his body wasn't listening to his brain now - _too slow, think faster Rick...move...you know what that is...now move! It can't be_...it was like a bad dream, a nightmare where you want to run, but can't move and it seems like you try for an eternity_...move, Rick! Say something..._

"...and even if there is...is one - " Finally his body worked, but it wasn't enough. He heard something pop in the distance...like air being released too quickly, a silencer. He heard himself yell her name but just as he felt his hands brush the fabric sleeve of her uniform, her face went blank.

Then everything exploded.

He collided into her and they were knocked into the grass. Her hat flew off on impact, somewhere, he didn't know...

Everyone was screaming, ducking for cover, running for help...

"_Where'd that come from?"_

"_Lanie get down!"_

People leapt over their chairs, hit the grass, ran for a safer place...some just sat and stared...

"_I think it's over there!"_

Is someone going to call for help? Has anyone called? All he could see was green...He lifted his head up from the grass and glanced at her - there was a hole in her uniform and a dark, wet circle spread from it, growing every second. She wasn't wearing her Kevlar...no one expects to get shot at a funeral...he should've made her wear it anyways...he should've been faster...

Kate's hand was still up, reaching for something to grab onto, but coming up empty. Her glove was stained red and he didn't want to see it, he couldn't think about it. Her eyes were searching for something, anything to focus on. The world was spinning and it was so loud...

"Kate?" He thought he heard himself say. He wasn't sure anymore.

"_Beckett's down! Beckett's down!"_

He couldn't look at her like this. She wasn't talking and he couldn't read her eyes...they were frantic...that's all he could tell. His hands were shaking violently but he tried to keep them still. He slid them under her neck to hold her head. Her hair was damp, sweat from her neck and dew from the grass...

"Shhh...Kate please...stay with me, Kate." He tried to get her to focus, to look at him and stop her from going into shock, but she was already there, he could feel her breathing staggering, see her struggling to swallow her breath..._Focus_...

"Don't leave me," Her eyes met his, locked into a place of understanding again. That place they met when they knew "whodunnit", when they shared an idea...He couldn't lose her, not now, not after all this... "Please...Stay with me, okay?" A tear tumbled down her cheek and he wanted to just wake up from the nightmare they were both trapped inside...he couldn't watch her cry.

His eyes were burning, and his heart felt like it was being squeezed. His chest was tight and he had to tell her. He didn't even realize he had said it until after the words had come out.

"Kate...I love you." He looked in her eyes for any sign she heard him. He had to say it again, she needed to hear him, "I love you Kate..."

He felt her pulse skip...her eyes lost their focus and she closed them slowly. There was no more energy left in her to keep awake. _No, no, no, no, no...not her...not Kate..._He felt her whole body shut down and go limp, and a tear rolled down his nose and dropped...

Red, white and blue...he was losing it...her gloved hand was stained with blood...he fell backwards into the grass and stared. He couldn't move, he couldn't speak. The sky was starting to fill with clouds. Finally his pathetic fallacy...pathetic...he couldn't think. Goodbye to the blue sky...so this was his red, white and blue...He saw people whizzing past him, EMTs and family and officers pushing past to help the officer down...

He was not going to keep it together...he couldn't anymore.


	2. When It All Falls Apart

**An enormous thank you to everyone who has subscribed, commented, favourited or even just read my story! :) Means the world to me and I'm so excited to be writing again. Keep throwing feedback my way, it helps and really helps keep the ball rolling!**

**The more you comment and sub, the more I write, I swear!**

**Oh yeah, and I don't own Castle, he belongs to the brilliant Andrew Marlowe.**

**xx**

**K.E.**

Castle sat back in the grass staring at nothing. His eyes were locked on the spot Beckett had gone down but she was blocked by paramedics and officers now. He couldn't look away or blink and all the noise and chaos overwhelmed his senses. It sounded like he was stuck in a beehive and he couldn't hear anything but buzzing.

"Dad? Dad!"

A hand jerked Castle backwards and he finally blinked. He looked up and his eyes met with Alexis's. Her eyes were red and her cheeks were stained with tears.

"I thought it was you, you jumped in front of her and for a second I thought it might've been you - " She choked, knelt down and pulled him into a hug. His body shivered and he realized he'd been holding his breath. He squeezed his daughter into the biggest bear hug he'd ever given her and shut his eyes. He needed a moment...

Metal clanged and a loud noise made his eyes fly open. The paramedics had lifted Kate onto a gurney and were bringing her to the road where the ambulance was parked. He couldn't have a moment, he didn't want one - not when Kate's life was on the line. Alexis let go as he pushed himself to his feet and tried to get closer to the gurney. They were moving too fast, he couldn't keep up with them but he had to go - his foot caught on a small gravestone and he stumbled but didn't go down. He was going with her.

The paramedics lifted her up and carefully slid the gurney into the back of the ambulance. Don't shut the doors, don't shut the doors. Castle skidded on the gravel as he made it onto the road.

"Kate - " He shouted, and a medic turned towards him.

"Next-of-kin?" Was all he asked and before Castle could answer him he felt a hand pat him hard on the back.

"Yeah, he is." Jim Beckett pushed him forwards. "I'll meet you there, Rick." Castle looked at him.

"Are you su-" He started. Jim nodded, his eyes dark and his face pained. "Get in there and _when_ she wakes up, you be sure to put a smile on that gorgeous face of hers." His voice shook as he spoke. He held a set of car keys in his hand and they jangled. Castle reached out and touched his hand, stilling it. They met eyes and nodded at each other.

"We're leaving, get inside please." The medic nudged Castle towards the doors. He pulled himself into the ambulance and took a seat next to Kate. The doors slammed shut and the vehicle lurched forwards, lights flashing red and white and siren wailing. Siren wailing...a good sign. It meant there was still hope.

Through the back window the gravestones seemed to shrink into the distance. That's right, Rick thought, they were leaving the cemetery. There wasn't going to be any dying today. The paramedics were still working, non-stop to keep her alive. He wasn't sure what they were doing exactly but they were hooking her up to something. There were round stickers on the backs of her hands attached to wires.

"Castle."

He thought he was hearing things.

"Castle," Kate's lips parted and his heart skipped a beat - or maybe stopped beating altogether. He slid to the edge of his seat and grasped her hand tight in his. It was cold but she moved it, feebly, to hold his hand.

"Hey," he whispered. The rest of his words stuck in his throat. He could only smile as her eyes flickered...fluttered, then opened, just a sliver. "How are you feeling?" She smiled at him, she actually _smiled_ and he felt like his heart just started beating again.

"I feel like," She struggled to catch her breath, "I feel like I just got shot." She laughed hoarsely. She was stunning. Absolutely stunning, and unbelievable.

"You're crazy." He told her. His face hurt from smiling so much. She was going to be okay, she had to be now. Her hair was damp from sweat and sticking to her forehead; he reached up and brushed it off her face, out of her eyes. She took another labored breath and closed her eyes again.

"She shouldn't be talking." One of the paramedics told him. "She needs to rest." He nodded and sat back in his seat, still holding her hand.

_Even now, after spending all this time with you, I'm still amazed at the depth of your strength..._

He felt it now more than ever. She wasn't like anyone else. She was irreplaceable and she was the biggest mystery he'd ever known. He sighed and leaned his head forward for a minute. He wished this was one of his books and he could just jump ahead to the chapter where everything was back to normal. Skip chapters 1-3 or whatever it would be and jump right ahead to Chinese food, a bottle of Châteauneuf-du-Pape and Forbidden Planet. His eyes closed and he shut out the sound of the sirens. He ran his thumb across her hand and remembered how much her hair smelled like cherries. He wanted to wake her up and run his fingers through her hair - tell her everything was going to be okay and _know_, not only _hope_, that it would be...

The ambulance stopped suddenly and the paramedics prepared to get out. He hadn't realized how long his eyes had been shut for. Were they at the hospital already? The doors swung open and Castle followed the medics out of the ambulance as they wheeled Kate towards the Emerg doorways.

A doctor met them in the hall and as the Exit sign flickered behind them, Castle's breath caught in his throat again. "Josh?"


	3. You Pick Up The Pieces

**Chapter 3 is here! Up and posted! :) Hope you're all enjoying it so far - it's my first Fanfic, so I'm a little nervous with updates, but let me know what you think! Thanks guys!**

**xx **

**KE**

**Oh, and I don't own anything. Except what I make up about everything else that I don't own. Basically Andrew Marlowe owns the rights ;) (He can steal my story if he wants LOL!)**

"Josh?"

Castle looked at the doctor who had met them in the Emerg corridor.

"Alec, What the hell is he doing here?" Josh asked the paramedic. Alec looked confused.

"Said he was next-of-kin...?" He answered as they rushed Kate down the long hall. Josh's face contorted with what was either frustration, annoyance or hatred. Maybe all three, but he didn't have time to stop and argue. They needed to take care of Kate. Her silence reminded them that every second mattered, but as Josh took a clipboard from Alec he muttered, "Like hell he is."

"Jim told me to go with her." Castle said as he matched Josh, stride for stride. He didn't even look up from his clipboard.

"Who?" He asked. Castle could've hit him.

"Her _father_." He said shortly. He couldn't stand Josh, not for another second, but he forced himself to breathe and let it go. _Just ignore it for now, don't even think about it. Get her into surgery and get her stable, that's the most important thing in the world. It's the only thing that matters._

"O.R 8 is prepped and ready for her," Josh pushed past Castle and spoke directly to Alec. Castle was jostled to the side, but he kept tight against the side of the gurney as they walked quickly down the hall. He just wanted to get her fixed - to get her safe.

Josh gestured a hand down the hall to a set of double doors. "Let's get her in there." The ER was packed with people but Castle only caught a glimpse as they flew past. Josh put his hand out and stopped him in his tracks.

"Sorry, you're going to have to wait here."

A pale, sick colored green wall stretched behind him, lined with chairs. Castle stared at the doors to the O.R as Alec and the other paramedic pushed Kate through.

"Look, Rick...I know you want to make sure she's okay. She's incredible and...I'm not an idiot, even though you might - " Josh started but Castle cut him off.

"Josh, you don't have to - "

"No, let me finish...I know how much you care about her. She's easy to care about and hard to let go of. We haven't been in the best spot lately, so I should know how hard it is to let her go off with another guy. I just...I want you to understand where I'm coming from here. She's my girlfriend. Even if that's only for right now. Let me fix her." He ran his fingers through his hair and for the first time Castle found himself feeling bad for him. "You should go home. Get changed...She'll be in surgery for a few hours." Josh's voice was starting to crack. He handed Castle a plastic bag that Alec had given him with the clipboard. "Here, you can hang on to these until she's discharged. We needed to remove it to operate." He looked into the bag and he felt like his heart was stuck in his throat.

Black leather wristband...tangled up with a silver chain...with her mother's ring...Castle sunk into one of the low chairs against the wall.

"Keep me posted," was all he said. Josh took a deep breath and let it out sharply. He nodded and turned back towards the doors.

"Josh?" Castle didn't lift his eyes from the tiled floor but he heard him stop walking.

"Yeah."

"Thanks."

The hall was silent for a minute and then Josh was gone behind the O.R doors. It wasn't until they bumped shut that Castle put his head in his hands and cried.

"Dad!"

"Rick, how is she?"

"Castle!"

He didn't know how long he had sat there with his head in his hands but when he finally looked up the cavalry was bursting in. Alexis and Martha were already in his arms while Jim stood behind them, a lost look on his face. Esposito, Ryan and Lanie were still walking in from the far end of the hall.

When Alexis finally let go, he looked at Jim.

"They gave me these to hold onto..." He handed the plastic bag over to him. "It's your watch...and..." He didn't really need to finish the sentence. Jim already had Johanna's ring between his index finger and thumb and was staring at it with the most intense expression Castle had ever seen in his life. It was sadness, but the deepest and darkest sadness possible, mixed with love. It was longing. He thought. Jim slumped down into one of the chairs and Castle sat beside him.

"I think-" Jim started, "She would want you to hang on to these." He handed it back. "She cares about you, and these things mean the world to her. She would want you to hold onto them. She trusts you."

He couldn't take it anymore. His chest hurt from all the guilt - he didn't realize how much he had stored up, but his thoughts exploded all over again. If it hadn't been for him...she would still be healthy...

"She shouldn't trust me. It's my fault she's in there in the first place. If I hadn't started shadowing her - I opened the case back up. They wanted it to go away and I opened it back up - she told me not to touch it and I did..." He couldn't stop talking now. It was all coming out. "I went too far, I don't know when to stop and it brought her here...if I had just let it go-"

"She wouldn't have found out the _truth_, Rick." Jim put a hand on his shoulder. "She always wanted that. If it wasn't for you she wouldn't know the truth."

"He's right you know," Martha said. "You might not see it - but it's true."

"She does have more fun with you around." Lanie's voice came from the other side of the hall. She was sitting across from Jim. "I know you see how bad things have gotten, but for how bad they are right now...the good is a hundred times better. She smiles now." Lanie smiled as she said it.

He missed her smile, God, did he ever. He would give anything to see her smile again - to hear her laugh...

"She'll be fine, bro. She's tougher than any of us." Esposito plopped into the seat next to Castle and thumped his back. Rick managed to let out a quiet chuckle. It was true, she was stronger than any of them, but in that moment when she lay there, speechless...she seemed like a little girl - lost, confused and anything but strong. He just wanted to pick up the pieces and put her back together again.


	4. Pushing Forward

**Let me preface this by saying it's very hard to write while re-watching Castle Season 1 and 2 BUT I can't help it. I NEED MORE CASKETT ;) Haha!**

**Anyways, you guys have been EXTRAORDINARY with reviews and subbing! Seriously, I love it, couldn't have kept up without you!**

**On a random, shameless self-promotion note I now have a Tumblr, so you can check me out there too! My account handle is kateepcott :)**

**Happy Reading,**

**xx**

**KE**

The heart rate monitor was beeping at a slow, steady pace...beep...

beep...

beep...

Castle's eyes felt like lead but he kept staring at Kate, lying motionless in the hospital bed hooked up to monitors by tubes and wires...so many wires...his eyes started to cross but he jerked his head up.

Beep...beep...

The monitor was doing something funny...actually it wasn't funny at all. It was all over the place.

"Hey!" Castle jumped to his feet and skidded into the hall. "Somebody get in here!" His last word was punctuated by a piercing final beep that didn't end, it just kept ringing in his ears. _Kate_...

He tried to get back to see her but his call for help had been answered and a doctor he didn't recognize pushed past him with a group of nurses. Castle fell to the back of the group and watched, helpless as they tried to revive her. He could barely see what was going on but he heard yelling...a lot of shouting and sounds he couldn't make out. When he finally managed to hear something out of their shouted conversation, he wished he hadn't.

"We're losing her!"

His heart stopped. It must've, it felt like his insides just dropped 3 feet. The monitor in the corner was still _screaming_ at him as the green line that was once jumping with life lay flat.

They had started the defibrillators and he could hear her body thump as they shot electricity through her, trying to bring her back. That sharp buzz in his ears every time they had to recharge...he couldn't think with all the sounds around him, his head was swimming. He stumbled into the chair behind him and sunk into it. The nurses were suddenly quiet. The doctor had stopped and put down the paddles. He checked the clock that hung on the wall. Castle stared at the little hand ticking, willing it to stop. If she was gone, the world should stop moving. He closed his eyes. He was done.

"Put the time at 1:15am."

He couldn't breathe. Couldn't move. Couldn't open his eyes. That meant it was real.

The doctor walked up to him and his face was unreadable. Blank.

"Sir." He put his hand on Castle's shoulder. "Sir, you have to wake up." He couldn't wake up. He didn't want to wake up.

"Wake up, please."

Castle's eyes snapped open and he flew up in his seat. Jim had his hand on his shoulder. They were still in the hallway...they were still in the hallway! She wasn't gone.

"I thought..." He started.

"I know, you were talking in your sleep." Jim looked exhausted. "We haven't heard anything yet. Your mother told me to tell you she took Alexis home. She was sleeping. The other three went with them, Javier had to carry her out. Poor girl wouldn't wake up."

Castle rubbed his eyes and took a deep breath. He felt like he had been holding it forever. He leaned his head back against the wall and stretched his legs.

"You should go home too, Rick." Castle shook his head.

"I'm not leaving until I know she's alright." He said. It wasn't debatable. Jim just nodded.

"Didn't think you would, but it was worth suggesting." He smiled but it looked painful. "You know, she's really lucky to have you." Castle's face must've looked disbelieving, because Jim kept going, "No, I mean it. You have no idea what it must mean to her. What good it's done for her too."

Castle furrowed his brows. "How do you mean?" Jim turned in his seat slightly to face him.

"Katie was a great kid. Growing up she was always getting into trouble, but she was still our little girl. Especially her Mom - God, they would do everything together. Even when they drove each other nuts...which happened a lot...they always were so close." Jim's face changed as he reminisced. He looked like a completely different person - thinking about a time when his life was better. "I have this video cassette at home..." He stopped to chuckle, "She'd kill me if I showed you..." He laughed, "I came home one day and the house was...almost shaking. They had cranked our stereo up so loud her books were falling off the shelf. I opened up the door to our bedroom and there were Johanna and Katie dancing like they were 13 year old girls to some song...I can't even remember what it was. Katie could tell you, although I'm not sure she'd volunteer it." He smiled and looked back at Rick. "They were close like that." His face fell again. "I was never as close to her as her mother was. They told each other everything."

"After her Mom died she wasn't the same. At first she wouldn't leave her room. She would just cry and wouldn't let me or anyone else get close to her. After the funeral she shut down and went on some kind of a bender. She stopped crying and got angry. Angry at me, at her mother's killer, at everyone. She was mostly mad at herself for some reason. It was dark for both of us. We didn't talk for years. We hated who the other person had become without Johanna and neither of us cared enough to pull the other one out."

The O.R. doors swung open and they both stopped and snapped their heads towards them. A young girl was being wheeled out by a nurse. They both could breathe again; continue their walk through the past.

"She was supposed to graduate with her MBA...or was it an MIB?" Jim continued. "She was going to travel for international business - she didn't know what. Mostly I think she just wanted to see the world. Did she ever tell you she spent a semester in the Ukraine?"

"No, she didn't." He smiled. _That does explain how she could perfectly imitate a Russian accent. _

"Yeah, she was a wild one, but smart - too smart sometimes. She dropped everything a few months after her Mom died. She just up and decided she needed some "time to think." Apparently, wherever she went, she came back with her mind set on becoming a cop and God love her, she's so headstrong...she puts her head to the grindstone and does whatever she wants. I didn't see her until after she graduated. She said she was accepted as an officer at the 12th but wasn't taking it until I was cleaned up." He took a painful breath and ran his hand through his hair.

"She - uh...she didn't leave for about a year." His voice was cracking. "We had a really rough time that year. When it was all over and done, I had said some stuff and done some stuff I regretted. She took care of me, brought me back from a bad place." He reached out to the watch that Castle had put on his wrist, to hang on to until Kate woke up. "I gave this to her as a thank you. It was probably the most expensive thing I had ever bought myself besides the house and car...she knew I had wanted it for years and it just...I knew she would understand how much I appreciated her if I gave it up."

"She wears it everyday." Rick told him. "I don't know if you know that." Jim's eyes were misting over but he pushed back tears and shook his head.

"She bought your first book from a used bookstore down the road from our house. We used to take walks together. She used to tell me fresh air would help. She would get lost inside that little bookstore and one day it had been hours...I didn't know where she was and when I finally found her she was sitting on the floor in the back of the store about halfway through one of your books. I don't think she pulled her eyes off that thing until she finished. I know I never saw her put it down. After that she bought them all, as soon as they were on the bookshelf."

Castle didn't know what to say. He knew she had his books but when it was all put into context...to know that he had somehow been able to help her even when he hadn't known her...it was the most surreal feeling. He wished he could've done more.

"There was one day I remember, you came to the Barnes and Noble in Union Square - that girl waited for hours in line to get her book signed. I've never seen her so excited before. I thought she would never smile again but that day, she had the biggest grin plastered on her face."

Castle's brain slammed on the brakes - "I'm sorry, what?"

Jim laughed, "Surprised?"

"Only that I can't remember meeting her! I met her?" He was incredulous. "She's...absolutely unforgettable, so yeah I am a little surprised..." He was smiling, despite himself. He needed to find the book he'd signed. Maybe it would jog his memory. He would have to remember to ask her when she...

His face must've changed quickly because Jim patted him on the back again.

"Hey...if you take anything out of what I just told you, let it be that she's tough. She's not going down without a fight."

"It's the fact that she's going down at all that concerns me." Rick replied. He checked his watch. It was nearly midnight. She had gone down around sunset...8pm...they'd been waiting for four hours...He didn't like the crazy countdown that was going on in his head. He needed to push forward, past the madness and back into some state of normalcy. He looked over at Jim and realized he needed it too. They all did. They all needed to stop shutting people out, running away from their problems and feelings...they needed to push past being afraid. Kate needed to let people in and realize that not everyone she loved would leave her. She deserved to be happy, blissfully happy with someone who made her feel absolutely perfect. She deserved better than relationships for the sake of relationships. She was trying to fill a hole with substitutes and it wasn't good enough. Sure, he was afraid too. Afraid of losing her, afraid of being rejected, of her being with someone else...but they all needed to push forward.

Especially Kate.

Especially now.


	5. Just the Length of a Slow Deep Breath

**Sorry I haven't updated in a while guys! It's been CRAZY busy here with work, the family business closing, yadda yadda yadda...oh yeah and I recently became obsessed with Tumblr, so I've been there too.**

**BUT I'M BACK! :) Been thinking long and hard about this chapter! Hope you all enjoy it very very much! I don't know how you'll feel about it, but I liked writing it!**

**xx**

**KE**

**PS. Yoda says, "Own Castle, I do not." I say that too ;)**

_Chapter 5._

_Alone_

Everything was black.

Her eyes flew open and for a minute she reeled, wide-eyed and confused - her eyes flicking across the room wildly. Finally, they adjusted to the light.

She sat up slowly, her head throbbing, pushing herself up on the linoleum floor. She had no idea where she was, but it was deserted and she was in the middle of a long, dim corridor.

The light above her flickered, and she noticed the faint red EXIT sign at the far end of the hallway. She stumbled to her feet, holding her head. She was dizzy. Too dizzy...she couldn't remember...couldn't remember anything.

_Where_?...She felt like she had just had too much to drink and she staggered down the hallway, using the walls as support. Her shoulder slid over the chipped paint...she was wearing a hospital gown..._why was she in a hospital gown_?

"_Kate..."_

Was that her name? Kate? She heard so many voices whispering, but there wasn't anyone around...She couldn't remember. She felt like she was gliding down the wall towards the EXIT sign now...crawling, falling...like the hall had tilted and she was slipping down...

Then everything stopped.

Her hands slammed into the large door at the hall's end. She felt the cool metal plate beneath her fingertips and cocked her head slightly as she read the sign.

PUSH.

She did as she was told.

Kate Beckett wasn't sure what the hell was going on. Suddenly she remembered everything, but understood none of it. She was in a new room, the old one had vanished completely, along with the door. This room was white and neverending. It stretched on and on...

There was no one else in the room except her.

And her.

"Where am I?" She demanded. It was like looking into a strange mirror and seeing your other self. The other Kate looked normal, happy, even. Then she noticed her face. She was younger by at least 14 years.

"You're in the hospital." The other Kate answered. "You were shot."

"Am I dead?" She asked herself.

"No," She replied. "Not yet."

Kate hesitantly stepped closer. She noticed she wasn't wearing any shoes. Her feet slid across the tiles and her whole body felt wonderfully cool and calm. Her other self took a step closer too.

"Where's Mom?" Kate asked, her heart felt tight with longing. "Is she here too?"

"No." Other Kate shook her head. "She's happy. She's gone. You're not gone, you're not ready to go yet. This is different. You get a chance to do something very few people get to do. Really see your true self."

"I want to see her." Her eyes burned. "Let me see her, just once." Other Kate shook her head.

"You need to listen." She told her. "I have to tell you something."

The room seemed to _melt_ into a different one, it was surreal and hard to describe. Kate found herself wishing she had Castle's knack for describing things. Other Kate smiled.

"Funny you should think about that. It's what I need to talk to you about." She said.

"What? How..." She started.

"I'm you. I know what you're thinking about. I also know how you feel about him." Other Kate said. "You're sad, Kate. You're scared and sad and you hide yourself away to avoid getting hurt."

Everything she was saying was true. Of course it's true, she thought, it's me talking...she rubbed her temples. She was confused.

"Am I in a coma or something? Is this one of those 'Confront Yourself' moments?" She asked.

"Stop trying to fix everything. Don't try to make this logical, or fit it into a box, Kate. Just listen." She told herself. "You need to hear the truth. You won't hear it from your Dad, you wouldn't hear it from Lanie, Esposito, Ryan, the Captain...you wouldn't hear it from Rick, but you _will_ hear it from me. So stop talking for once in your life and listen."

Kate had to smile at her own audacity. It was funny, actually.

"Kate, remember before Mom died? You had fun. You used to dance around the house, go out with people you actually _liked_, laugh until it hurt and sing. You used to want to travel the world and be like the female Indiana Jones."

She bit her lip and tried to hold back a smirk. She almost forgot about that sometimes.

"After you got that call you shut down. You shut everyone out and you hid inside yourself. Dad started drinking and you got worse. You felt guilty, like it was your fault for leaving him alone."

"It was! He wouldn't have started if I hadn't left - " She felt her eyes start burning again, her vision blurred and she felt her face heat up. Everything was on fire and rising to the surface.

"STOP! Kate STOP IT! When are you going to stop blaming yourself, stop being a saviour and let someone save you! Let yourself give up, give in and just live again!" She yelled at herself.

She fell silent. She couldn't think of anything to say.

"You've been hurt. I know. You should be happy. You deserve to be happy." The other Kate echoed Castle's words. "Stop thinking what you're thinking right now."

"What am I thinking?" She demanded.

"You're thinking you tried so hard not to like him at first. You didn't want to like him. He was your favourite author, who helped you get through the worst time in your whole life. I know about that night, Kate. I know about how you sat inside your car looking out at the Hudson River thinking about driving right into it. I remember it too. I remember bawling my eyes out until I thought I was going to throw up. Everything hurt, my body, my heart...I remember looking out at the city lights reflecting onto the water thinking, there's no way I'm going to do this while the person who killed my mother is alive. If I'm going down, so is he. I know that moment, when the police officer tapped on your window with his flashlight and asked if you were okay. That was the moment when everything changed. The light switch clicked and that was it. Everything started to go into a little box, hidden away."

There was no arguing anything she was saying, it was all true. Hard to relive, but true.

"So even though you tried to hard not to like Rick, you liked him anyways. In fact, he started to grow on you to the point where you realized you don't know what you would do if he wasn't there."

"Yeah, well I tried to tell him I didn't want him to leave and you know how that ended..." She interjected.

"Yeah, I do. Doesn't mean you don't love him. In fact, it means you do. You almost told him once. You love everything about him and that's what drives you crazy. Even Mike knew you loved him. I'm here because you need to know it's okay to be with him. Stop being so paranoid and terrified."

"Everyone I love gets killed. That's not a very good sign." She forced a laugh. "How can I be happy when my Mom gets killed, then Mike is killed...then Captain Montgomery? I can't lose Castle. I won't let that happen." Her voice wavered slightly as she spoke.

"You need to jump or you're going to be alone." She said. "Just dive into it. You want to. Every single part of you wants to dive into it with him and the only reason you're holding back is because you don't want to lose him. Well listen, he's sticking with you until the end and if you're going to lose him, it's going to happen whether you're with him or not. So you might as well be happy." She had frustratingly good logic. Damn herself.

"I don't want to love him." Her voice was barely a whisper. "I don't want to be with him because every day I'm with him it gets worse."

"Better." She corrected. "It gets better."

She tried to hold back a smile.

"See? He makes you happy. Stop hiding it and let go Kate. You need him. He makes you laugh! He's your Yang." She laughed.

"My what now?" She asked herself.

"Ying Yang." She chuckled. "Ying Yang is harmony. Ying Ying is - "

"A name for a panda. Got it." She laughed. The other Kate smiled at her.

"Do you remember Montgomery's funeral?" She asked. Kate nodded. "He loves you. Heal up and don't waste another minute." She said.

"_Kate..." _

The voices were coming back again. She whirled around to see if she could find the bodies to go with the voices, but there were only echoes. She turned back around but she was alone again.

"Hello?" She called. No one answered. She was getting tired of being alone. She was right. Well, her other self was right...the her that wasn't her now...God, she was starting to sound like Castle; nonsensical. Adorable. Damnit...

The voices were hurting her head. She hated feeling terrified, but she was.

She was alone and she wanted her partner.

"Castle?"

She wasn't sure why she was shouting for him, he wasn't there, but it helped a little bit.

"Castle!"

Nothing. There was nothing around her either. No walls, no ceiling just...blankness. She sat on the floor and wished she could press her back against something solid. She was unprotected and there was no one to watch her back. It was the worst feeling...

"Castle?" She called out quietly. She felt like she was a scared little kid again. "...Rick?"

She didn't know what to do. The voices stopped and now it was quiet. Too quiet.

"...It was always the same for her when she arrived to meet the body. After she unbuckled her seatbelt..." She knew it sounded stupid, but this whole situation was insane. "After she pulled a stick pen from the rubber band on the sun visor, after her long fingers brushed her hip to feel the comfort of her service piece, what she always did was pause. Not long. Just the length of a slow deep breath." She didn't care that she sounded crazy sitting on the floor in the middle of a nowhere room, reciting Heat Wave from memory. They made her feel better. His books always made her feel better. They grounded her. They brought her back. There was something in his words that comforted her. Always.

_Just the length of a slow deep breath. _

She did. She inhaled, slowly and felt just a little better. Exhale.

_Just the length of a slow deep breath._

Her eyelids were heavy again.

_Just the length of a slow deep breath._

Her eyes were drifting shut...slowly.

_Just the length of a slow deep breath._

She felt lighter...like she was floating or breathing N2O...bubbly and relaxed. Everything that was white and blank had faded away again. She was back in the blackness, where nothing mattered and she could sleep for a while. She didn't feel alone anymore. Even if it was only through his books, she could feel Castle could hold her hand and help her through it. Damn him, she smiled.


	6. Today Something Happened

**GAH! NEXT CHAPTER! Seriously guys, THANK YOU SO MUCH for all your amazing feedback! Hope you liked the last chapter, I'm writing this one immediately after because it parallels the last one so I haven't gotten feedback for that one yet, but for the first 4 chapters, THANK YOU! :) You're amazing and I really hope you enjoy the rest of the story. Stay strong and survive Mondays until September 19th, lovelies!**

**xx**

**KE**

**PS. Don't own Castle ;)**

Castle couldn't believe she was really there. He stood there staring at her through the glass unable to move or blink or speak.

_She's stable_.

The best two words he had ever heard in his life. Even though he was watching her lie there with Josh beside her. He wanted to be the one next to her more than anything. Josh was brushing the hair from her forehead.

Jim patted Castle on the back.

"She's okay." He sounded like he couldn't believe it either. They stood there watching through the window as Josh watched the heart monitor, checked her vitals, made sure she was breathing alright...check, check, double check...Castle was okay with that. Triple check if you have to, Motorcycle Boy, you just saved her life. Doctor Motorcycle Boy. He was talking to her now. Castle couldn't hear what he was saying.

"How do you think she'll be when she wakes up?" Castle asked, glancing over at Jim. He shrugged.

"I don't know. Hopefully she'll heal up fast. Katie's stubborn, she pulled through the surgery, she'll push through therapy too." He replied. "She's always been a fighter. No fear."

Castle wasn't so sure. He'd seen her eyes when she went down. It had definitely looked like fear to him. She was good at hiding it, but it was there.

Josh had stopped talking suddenly and stood still for a moment. Then he swallowed hard and looked out the window at Jim and Castle. Rick recognized the pained look on his face. He made his way out of the hospital room slowly.

"How is she?" Jim asked. Josh took a breath and exhaled sharply. He looked torn.

"Well, the good news is she's still stable. Getting better, but very slowly. Like I said, it was a tough surgery on her. She lost a lot of blood today. She's starting to talk, but unconsciously." He told them. He paused and didn't seem to want to explain more."Rick, can I talk to you for a minute?" Castle blinked and looked over at Jim, who nudged him over to Josh. "It's fine."

"Yeah," He followed Josh a few feet away, closer to the nurse's station. Josh ran his fingers through his hair and furrowed his eyebrows. He looked beyond stressed.

"I don't-" He started and stopped. The words weren't seeming to come to him. He tried again. "I don't want to seem like an asshole here..." He pressed his face into his hands and let out a frustrated groan. "To her, not to you. I don't want - I don't want to seem like I'm running out on her, especially now...but...listen, she's asking for you. I tried talking to her and all she said was your name..." Josh trailed off. "She needs you, so...go." He said. "I'm handing her case over to Dr. Albright. He's a great doctor and he's been doing this way longer than I have. When she wakes up, if she asks...will you tell her what happened? I don't want her to have unanswered questions. Just give her closure if she needs it. I hate the way this is going down, but...it is."

Castle nodded. He was still trying to process the fact that Kate unconsciously asked for him. He felt bad for Josh, he really did. He had just saved her life.

"Is there anything I can do?" He asked. "You just saved her life...I owe you." Josh chuckled.

"You don't owe me anything, man. I was doing my job. It's what I do and the surgery being a success is payment enough for me. Honestly, don't worry about it. If you want to do something get in there and be with her." He replied. Castle wished he would stop being such a good guy. _He_ was starting to feel like the asshole. Instead, he mustered up a handshake.

"Thank you." He meant it.

"You're welcome." Josh looked at his watch and raised his eyebrows. "I'm going home. It's been...it's been a crazy day." Castle nodded and watched as Josh turned and walked down the hallway and disappeared behind a set of STAFF ONLY doors.

Castle turned around and looked at room 1909. A soft smile crossed his face and he walked towards the doorway. Jim was already inside talking to his daughter. The slow beep of the heart monitor reassured them that she was still there and she was okay.

Jim looked up at Rick and smiled, his eyes glassy with tears. He was stroking her hair behind her ear as she lay there, silently. They just stood there for a while, and Castle closed his eyes and relaxed for the first time in days. He could think again. He could observe. He listened to noises floating through the window that was cracked open; very faint jet planes in the sky, the sound of cars driving past...he felt the soft, sticky heat of the night air and he opened his eyes again.

Kate lay in the hospital bed, her hair fanned out on the pillow - it was dirty and there were strands were matted to her face that Jim would brush aside, but she was beautiful either way.

"What did Dr. Davidson want?" Jim asked. Castle had to smile slightly. It was funny that he called him Dr. Davidson.

"He wanted to let me know he was handing her case over to another doctor, a Dr. Albright. Very smart guy apparently. He's stepping aside as her doctor. Personal reasons." He explained.

"She said your name while you were gone, Rick." Jim smirked. "That have anything to do with it?" Castle chuckled and brushed his fingers across the back of his neck.

"Might have." He said. Jim stood up from his seat.

"I'm going to go get us some coffee. Why don't you take a minute?" Jim gestured towards the empty seat and walked out the door. "I'll be back in a bit."

Castle glanced down at the seat and back at Beckett. She looked so unlike herself. She was normally fronting a strong, tough exterior. He wasn't used to seeing her with her guard completely down. Not for more than a few seconds at a time. She looked helpless and lost.

He sunk into the chair and swallowed hard. She was going to be okay. He told himself. She had to be okay. He brushed her hair back. He couldn't talk, he just sat there silently, smiling at her. Even after being shot, going through hours-long surgery and makeup-less, she was still stunning. Her hand twitched slightly and her lips moved, so slowly at first, and he realized she was talking, softly. He couldn't make out what she was saying.

Her hand twitched again and he reached for it. Her hands were so small compared to his - her hand was pale and weak and he was afraid of hurting her, but he clasped both his hands around hers and held it. He wasn't letting her go. Suddenly her chest rose and fell; she was breathing deeper. Her body seemed to be kick-starting itself back to consciousness. He squeezed her hand gently. Her lips were still moving, like she was talking in her sleep. Her breathing was evening out and she was starting to get a little more color back.

_That's it, Kate. _He thought. _Her father was right, she was a fighter. Will yourself back. Come on. _

Her hand twitched again and it closed around his. She was holding his hand. He smiled and looked up at her. Her eyes were still closed, her breathing now even and then she did the best thing he had ever seen in his life, so much so that he thought his heart stopped. She opened her eyes and she smiled.


	7. But What Happened Yesterday?

**Hooray! THANK YOU SO MUCH to everyone who has reviewed, subscribed, favourited, etc. **

**PLEASE R & R and I will love you forever ;) Well...more so than I already do :)**

**xx**

**KE**

**PS. Yadda Yadda...no ownage of the Castle rights. Credit to Marlowe, the Great :)**

_That's it, Kate. _He thought. _Her father was right, she was a fighter. Will yourself back. Come on._

Her hand twitched again and it closed around his. She was holding his hand. He smiled and looked up at her. Her eyes were still closed, her breathing now even and then she did the best thing he had ever seen in his life, so much so that he thought his heart stopped. She opened her eyes and she smiled.

Kate's eyes fluttered open and as she took another slow deep breath everything came into focus. Castle came into focus. She couldn't hold back the smile that crept across her face - it might've been the fact that he was always there for her, or the fact that she seemed to be on a hell of a lot of pain medication. Probably a little bit of both. His face was priceless and the two of them stayed like that, eyes locked for what seemed like an hour.

"Hey." She finally managed to choke out. Her voice was rough as she whispered, dry like sandpaper. Castle squeezed her hand gently.

"Hey." He replied. "How're you feeling?" She took another breath. It was hard to breathe - not extremely painful, because of the medicine, but difficult.

"I feel like - I was hit by a truck." She said with a pained smirk. She tried to sit up but a sharp pain stabbed her straight through her chest and up her arm and neck...right into her temples. Castle nearly jumped out of his chair, a look of utmost concern on his face.

"I'm going to let the nurse know you're awake. Don't try to move again...okay?" He stood up slowly, eyeing her to make sure she was okay again before walking towards the nurse's station just outside her room. Kate let her eyes fall shut again. She was tired. Everything felt strange, painful and impossibly numb all at the same time. She didn't like it. She tried to remember what had happened, but the only thing she could bring to memory was Montgomery's funeral...a soft pop of a silencer...the worst pain she had ever felt in her life...screams and she hit the grass...Castle took her down...

She pressed her fingers into her temples. She had a headache now and her hands were itchy where the IV was taped to her skin.

"You said she was awake?" A woman's voice grew closer.

"Yeah, we were just talking." Castle replied. Kate opened her eyes again.

"Hi there Detective. How are you feeling?" The nurse asked. She was a slim, blonde woman.

"Fine." Kate replied. The nurse chuckled.

"Well my name's Linda, I'm going to be taking care of you for now. We're going to get you checked out, take some vitals and see how everything's going, alright?"

Kate nodded. Linda looked at Castle.

"If you want you can run home and change out of those clothes now. We need to run some tests privately anyhow, Mr. Castle." She gestured to his outfit and for the first time Kate noticed he was still wearing his suit from the Captain's funeral. Black, but she could see where his knees were stained form the grass, the dark stain from where her blood touched his jacket. He hadn't left since she was admitted. How long had she been in the hospital? Castle nodded at Nurse Linda.

"I'll be back in a bit." He said to Kate. He turned for the door.

"Castle?" Beckett said as he reached the doorframe.

"Yes?" He stopped and looked at her. He looked exhausted, she noticed. His eyes were dark with lack of sleep and his 5 o'clock stubble had turned into a much darker shadow. She just wanted to reach out and hold him, thank him for everything...she smiled, softly.

"Thank you." She simply said, hoping he would know she meant much more than those two words could say. Castle stood quiet in the doorway for a moment with that famous Rick Castle pensive look on his face. Their eyes met and she couldn't help it. _Say it_. She thought. _Say it, Rick._

"_Always_." A smile finally cracked his tired face before he ducked out into the hallway, closing the door gently behind him.

By the time Castle got back to the hospital Kate had been poked, prodded, injected and x-rayed so many times she just wanted the doctors to leave her alone. Castle and Jim returned at the same time and pulled up a couple chairs by her bed. Nurse Linda helped Kate tilt her bed and prop her pillows so she was able to comfortably sit and talk with them.

Castle pulled out the small plastic bag that Josh had given him earlier.

"I have something you might want." He told her, pulling the thin chain out and placing it gingerly in her hand.

"Thank you," she grinned. She lifted it up to put in on, but had a hard time reaching to high. Castle leaned forward and reached for it.

"Let me help you with that." He said, kindly. He watched as she brushed her hair aside and he slid the chain over her head, the ring resting just below her breastbone. He sat back in his chair and tugged his sleeve up. Kate caught a glimpse of her dad's watch on his wrist. Castle began to undo the wristband -

"Wait - " She stopped him, gently touching his wrist. "Hang onto it for now." She said. "It's okay." He looked up at her.

"Are you sure?" He asked, and she nodded. They stayed, eyes locked again for a few moments, her hand not moving from his wrist. Jim coughed and they looked at him, realizing the weren't alone. Jim shook his head, laughing.

"Katie, I'm glad you're okay." He said finally. "I had a good talk with Rick while you were in surgery though. He knows your whole life story now, so - " He joked but Kate interrupted him.

"He knows what now?" She cried. "Dad!..." He was still laughing.

"I'm joking, Katie, he doesn't know everything. We did have a good talk though." He said seriously giving Rick another pat on the shoulder. Castle had to agree. He liked Jim; he was a great guy. He still thought he'd like to have some more time to sit down and talk to him. Maybe he'd have him and Kate both to his place in the Hamptons. _That would be a fun time,_ he thought mischievously. He'd have to ask Jim, not Kate. He held back a laugh.

"Oh! I did tell him about the time I taped you and your mother dancing in the living room," Jim continued, "I couldn't remember what song it was you were dancing to, I might have to pull the cassette..."

"Dad, don't you dare!" She told him. "I'll tell him the song, but that tape stays where it is." She tried to sound serious, but the corners of her lips couldn't help curving upwards. "I Just Can't Get Enough." She looked at Castle. "That's all you get. Now use that imagination of yours. No tape." Castle laughed.

"Depeche Mode?" He said incredulously. It was so...not Kate. The more he got to know her, however, the more he realized that it actually _was_. The more he got to know her the more he realized how extraordinary she was. She had flaws and faults and weaknesses and they made her even more perfect to him. Meredith's flaws became intolerable and Gina's faults pushed the both of them to a point where they fought more than they got along. Kate fought with him, but they were on an even playing field. They didn't deal with low blows or fight dirty. Kate could match his wit and accepted him for his flaws too. No matter how annoyed she seemed to get, he would never forget what she had told him...she _liked_ having him around. She _liked_ him pulling her pigtails.

"Dad?" Kate squeezed her dad's hand to get his attention. "Could I talk to Castle for a minute?" Jim nodded and pushed his chair back. The wooden legs squeaked across the floor as he leaned forward and gave her a kiss on the forehead.

"I'll be outside the door if you need me." He said quietly. He turned to leave and on his way out he winked at Castle. Rick chuckled to himself as the doorknob turned and the door clicked shut. He looked back at Kate and shimmied his chair closer to the bed.

Kate said nothing, they just sat there together quietly listening to the noises coming from the window. Rick slid one of his hands up the rail on the side of the bed and Kate reached hers out to meet him.

"You scared me." He said finally. She took a breath.

"I know. I'm sorry." She replied.

"You don't need to apologize." He said, "I just-I thought I lost you."

"I thought you did for a second too." She admitted. "What happened? To the shooter, I mean. I just realized I don't know what happened after I went down." Castle took a deep breath. He didn't know where to start. Esposito had called him right before Josh told them Kate was out of surgery to let him know...

"Kate-after you were shot Ryan and a few other cops ran down to where the shooter had been hiding...they knew he couldn't escape, there was no getaway car and we weren't near the road..." Castle started explaining. Kate knew what he was going to say already. She knew what a hired hitman would do...she sat and listened anyways, desperately hoping she was wrong. "By the time they got there he had already pulled the trigger again. He was dead as soon as he fired. I'm so sorry..."

Kate had let go of Rick's hand and pressed her hands into her eyes, and tried to rub them. They hurt. Everything was hurting again.

"Damnit..." She whispered. "Who the hell..." Her chest felt like it was being crushed by a huge weight. Castle stood up slowly. He should leave. He should let her rest.

"Castle? Where are you going?" Her voice said from behind her hands.

"I'm going to let you get some sleep." He said softly. "You've had a long week. You need to rest." Kate pulled her hands away from her face and he saw her eyes were starting to get red, her eyes misting over. He couldn't stand to see her upset. "Get some rest, okay?" He was begging, more than asking. He bent down low, close to her face, brushed a strand of her hair behind her ear and, like the first time he had ever said goodbye, kissed her cheek. The look on her face was different this time around, though. He pulled away from her slowly and caught her looking at him. He was only an inch away from her face and their eyes fell into their always captivating lock. Her eyes flittered down towards his lips and he followed suit, his eyes tracing her jawline down to her lips. She gently sucked her bottom lip between her teeth and he felt his pulse skip. Their eyes jumped back to each other's again and he leaned in a millimeter closer...

"Mr. Castle, visiting hours are -" Nurse Linda's voice and the sound of the door flying open echoed throughout room 1909. Castle scrunched his eyes shut and jolted upright. "...over."

"Yeeeea." He said awkwardly. "I'm just, I'm gonna - " He pointed at the door with one hand, then the other and stumbled into the chair Jim had been sitting in. Kate was still biting her lip. He shook his head. She was naturally seductive. Damnit...Castle half-waved and headed for the door. He bumped into Nurse Linda on his way out and she gave his an eyebrow raise as he headed down the hallway. She looked back at Kate who had a sheepish look on her face.

"Keep your heart rate down." Linda joked. "Anything I can get for you?" Kate didn't have to think about it.

"There is actually."

Ten minutes later, Linda returned from the Hospital Reading Room with a cart of books. It was packed with everything from "In Hail of Bullets" all the way to the most recent "Naked Heat". Beckett grinned. Never mind the Comedy Channel - THIS was time well wasted.

Rick was lying on his stomach spread out across his sofa, one leg hanging over the side of the couch, the other straight over the back armrest. One of his socks was halfway off but he was too tired to fix it. Everything was warm, and quiet and alright now...he sighed, burying his face into the soft cushions.

TAP TAP TAP

Someone was knocking on his door. Who the hell was knocking on his door?

TAP TAP TAP

"I'm coming!" His voice was muffled by the couch cushions. He pushed himself up slowly, groaning.

TAP TAP TAP

"Stop knocking. I hear you...I'm coming." He flung the door open and if he looked like he felt, he was sure he looked crazy. The look in the delivery man's eyes told him he was right. Rick tried to pat his hair down flat, failing horribly.

"Mr. Castle?" He asked. Rick nodded. "I have a package for you, if you could sign here?" He held out a big handheld device and pen. Castle signed the screen and they traded, device for package. Castle shut the door behind him, and looked at what the man had handed him. It was a large manilla envelope, addressed to Richard Castle...the handwriting was familiar.

The return address in the top corner stopped his heart and he nearly dropped the envelope on the floor.

The name was Roy Montgomery.


	8. We All Fall Down

**Sorry I've been AWOL for so long everyone - no excuses, just on with the story :)**

**I do not own Castle or anything connected with it besides the fiction I write. All rights belong to Andrew Marlowe (and affiliates).**

Castle couldn't peel his eyes away from the manilla envelope that he had propped up on the coffee table against his_ Richard Castle _mug.

_Roy Montgomery._

_Roy Montgomery._

_Montgomery._

_Montgomery._

"_What_ in _God_'s name are you staring at?"

Castle nearly jumped out of his skin. His mother stood in the doorway tugging a blue glove from her left hand and giving him a quizzical look. He snatched the envelope up quickly.

"Nothing." He said. She was going to push for details, he knew she was, but the more she didn't know the better. People were _dying_. People connected to _this_ _case_. She would have to live with a crippling curiosity. He preferred that to her dying with the knowledge.

"Richard - " Martha started, like he knew she would. He held up his free hand to stop her.

"Don't. I can't...I can't tell you what's going on." He said. Martha's eyes slid down to the envelope in Rick's hand but he turned the addressed side of the package towards him so she couldn't read it.

"You're going to get yourself killed...never mind _you_ trying to protect me, Richard, you're my son, it's my _job_ to protect you." Her voice wavered, but only slightly. She was stubborn. Too much for her own good sometimes. "I know I might not have done the best job taking care of you growing up, I _know_ that...but I will not let you get yourself killed. What about Alexis? Do you know how much it would destroy her if anything happened to you?"

Rick swallowed hard. He didn't want to hear it - he'd thought about that. He had considered every possibility, every bad ending...He was a writer, coming up with every possible ending to the story was what he was paid to do. He knew he was in the worst situation but he couldn't stop. He couldn't stop for the hopeless reality of Beckett. He was caught between a rock and a hard place with too many people who needed him; whether it was something _selfish_ inside him for wanting her or something _selfless_ inside him for wanting to try to help everyone...he didn't know.

"I need you to take Alexis and get out of town for a while. Again. Stay away this time, mother." He said. "I don't care where it is, just someplace safe. Go to the Hamptons for the summer. I'll be fine, there's just some things we need to sort out and...I don't want you to end up in the middle of something..."

"Something that could kill you." Martha interrupted. "Like it almost killed Beckett."

"What do you want me to do here? I can't walk away, not now." He said. "I need you to go. I love you and Alexis. You both are everything to me but - "

"You love her." Martha nodded. "I know." She walked over to where he stood by the sofa and dropped her purse onto the cushions. "I just don't want to lose you."

"And I don't want to lose her." He replied. "Whatever this case is about and whoever is behind it...they won't stop until everyone connected to Johanna's murder is dead. We have to find him. Until we do...nobody is safe."

Martha put her hand on his shoulder and shook her head.

"You inherited my stubborn streak." She smirked, despite herself. Rick put his hand over his mother's reassuringly.

"I'll be fine. If I'm as much like you as you seem to think I am...I'll be just fine." He told her. "Just do me a favour and don't be stubborn about this one. I need you to go for a while. Please."

creeeeak.

A helicopter whirred over the city casting a bright light down into the streets below. The bright light scattered itself into small streaks as it passed by the loft windows and through the dark blinds.

creeeeak.

The light flew across Castle's eyelids and they twitched. He let out an inaudible noise and rolled onto his other side, his back to the window.

A rustling noise echoed from downstairs and Castle stirred slightly. Another creak...more jostling...

Castle's eyes flew open. Someone was in the loft. He looked at the clock next to his bed that glowed 3:32am. Martha and Alexis had left for the Hamptons _hours_ ago. They hadn't been impressed, but there's no way they would be back, especially not at 3 in the morning. He threw back his sheets and slowly set his feet on the cool floor. He tried to be as quiet as possible.

_Think, Rick...how would you write this? _He thought. His brain surprisingly calm._ You know you've been trailing a detective too long when.._he chuckled on the inside. His heart was still pounding though. His fingers stumbled over his bedside table and found his Windows Phone 7. It lit up with his touch and he had to squint his eyes for a moment as they adjusted to the light. He scrolled through his contacts and hit Esposito and Ryan's numbers.

_Someone broke into loft - need backup ASAP. _

He threw his phone back onto his bedside table. Now his eyes were scanning the room or something...anything he could use as a weapon. _Lamp...too chunky to hold...laundry...floor rug...come on...framed photos...lightsaber? _No, he wanted to scare this guy not embarrass himself. Finally his eyes landed on his Novica Skyscraper vase. Good enough. He wrapped his hands around the vase like he was holding a sword and slowly stepped out of his bedroom. He thanked God he had fallen right into bed, socks and all because his feet could slide quietly over the floor. The rustling noise was growing more and more angry and frustrated. He heard a loud bang.

Castle poked his head around the corner and down the stairs. The lights had been turned on and someone was in ... what sounded like his office. He made it down the steps, skipping the fifth stair which always creaked. Thank goodness for all those games of Laser Tag with Alexis. They had memorized all the noisy areas of the house for "stealth" purposes. _You can't defeat Voltar if you make noise on the stairs._

Castle was almost at the door to his office. Papers littered the floor from the kitchen to the hallway, his glass side table was shattered. Apparently the intruder had run into almost every photo on his wall because most of his frames were askew.

A frustrated scream echoed from the office as one of his desk drawers came flying into the hall.

Castle hitched his breath in his throat. He had no backup. He had no gun. He just had his dumb ideas. _Here goes nothing._

"You're not going to find it." He said a little less forcefully then he'd intended. The man turned around and straightened to his full height. He was huge...a full head taller than Castle. Definitely broader. Castle tightened his grip on the vase.

"Give me the envelope." He meant business. Castle knew that if he didn't think fast he would be tortured. Not killed, this guy wasn't stupid.

"I have it. It's safe. Locked up." Rick told him, trying to keep his voice calm. "Police are on the way. I called for backup before I came downstairs." The man didn't flinch.

"They live at least 20 minutes from here. That's more than enough time for me to break all of your fingers." Castle tried not to wince. He failed.

Esposito pulled his arms tighter around Lanie and scrunched his eyes up, trying to avoid the light that his phone was giving off. Then it started to vibrate across the table. He rolled over and snatched it up. He squinted at the display until it came into focus. 1 Unread Message from Rick Castle. He read the message and before he had finished his feet had hit the floor and his fingers had speed dialed Ryan.


	9. Sticks and Stones

**Well guys...SORRY about the cliffhanger! I'll take care of that for ya ;)**

**THANK YOU so much for your comments! Keep it up and I'll keep writing!**

**xx**

**KE**

**PS I don't own Castle.**

Esposito lived closer to Castle's loft than Ryan did, but only by a few minutes. Ryan's car slid against the curb behind Esposito's car seconds after he had opened his door to get out. Esposito popped the trunk on his car and pulled out their vests. They didn't bother standing around to put them on, they threw them over their heads as they ran up to the doors. Ryan flashed his badge to the passing security officer on duty.

Castle lived too high to run the stairs, so Esposito punched the UP button for the elevators. One of the three was immediately available. The two partners didn't say a word to each other, they didn't have to. They reached the 10th floor without any trouble but at 10 a couple of young kids got on the elevator heading up. They couldn't risk any more stops. They beelined it out of the elevator and for the stairs.

Ryan slammed into the door and they raced up the remaining steps. Esposito had his hand on his holster, ready to pull his gun out once they hit Castle's floor. They flew past the numbers plastered on the walls of the stairwell.

11...

12...

13...

14...

They were almost there...they flung the door to Castle's floor open. They didn't even need to think about which door to find...near the end of the hall Castle's door was hanging open about a foot.

"Go - I've got you covered." Ryan said under his breath. Esposito pressed his back against the wall and peered into the loft. Nobody was standing anywhere he could see. The apartment was pretty quiet. There were a lot of papers scattered across the floor, shattered glass...he edged in a little further, his gun at the ready. Ryan followed close behind him.

The loft was drowning in silence.

Esposito went left, Ryan went right, scanning the main room. They didn't want to alert whoever had broken in that they were there, so they kept looking back at each other and signaling "clear" after they had checked.

They both met up at the doors to Rick's office. They were slightly ajar. From where Ryan and Esposito stood they could see papers and books along the floor...They tried to listen for something...anything...before entering the office. They didn't want to call out if the intruder was upstairs instead of in the office...

Suddenly there was a rustling noise...

"Castle?" Esposito tried to nudge the door open but it was stuck on something. He knew that feeling. When something...someone is blocking a door..."Shit..." He muttered, "Castle!"

He shimmied the other door as far as it would go and slid through. Ryan followed him, both still guns at the ready.

Once their eyes had done a quick but thorough scan of the room they holstered their service pistols and dropped to the floor next to Castle.

"Castle, you okay?" Esposito said, trying to figure out where the blood on the floor and Rick's hands came from. "Where is he?" Castle was already pushing himself up so he could sit with his back against the wall. He pressed his hands against his forehead and winced.

"He's gone - he's gone guys..." He looked at them through his fingers. The light was bothering his eyes. "It's not mine." He could see them looking at the blood. "Unless my head's bleeding." He pressed his hand to the back of his head and felt something damp and sticky. He pulled his hand forward and saw blood. "Hm...maybe some of it is."

Ryan pulled his phone out and called what Castle assumed was 911. He stepped into the kitchen to make the call. Esposito stayed in the office.

"What happened?" He asked. Castle's face was still twisted in pain.

"Not sure...long story..." He started. "I got home, tried to sleep...delivery guy came to the door with a package. It was from Montgomery." He paused and gave Esposito some time to process that new piece of information. It took him a couple seconds; Castle could see his brain wrapping itself around the possibilities.

"What was in it?" He finally asked. This was the difficult part.

"I don't know." Castle replied. "I didn't open it. I thought about it. What it could be, what it had to do with...I put it in the safe before I went to bed. I figured..." He sighed and pressed his hand against the back of his head again. It was throbbing. "I figured I would wait and get a second opinion. From you guys, from Beckett...I thought she would want to know...I wasn't sure if I should read it first and then tell her. I don't know. I don't even know what it is. It was just a lot that I didn't have time to think about. I couldn't think anymore." Esposito followed his eyes towards the wall where a photo had been torn off the wall to reveal a safe behind it. An open safe.

"I didn't want to tell him. I hit him with a vase." He gestured towards some shattered blue glass across the room. There was blood on most of the shards. "He was a little pissed that I hit him. Big guys like that don't like when writers make them bleed, I guess." He chuckled at his own pluckiness. _Pluckiness_. His heart sank a little bit. _Plucky sidekick always gets killed. _

"Anyways...after I hit him he-"

"Here." Ryan had come back from the kitchen and thrust what appeared to be a towel under Castle's nose. "Keep pressure on our head until the ambulance gets here." Castle took the towel.

"Thanks man." He pressed it to the spot the man had hit him.

"Keep talkin' bro." Esposito prompted. He wanted to keep him conscious. Castle just wanted to get the story out.

"Yeah - after I hit him he knocked what was left of the vase out of my hands and - " He had to pause for a second. Woah. Where did his memory go? "He uh..." He couldn't remember.

"Talk through it...we're not going anywhere. You've got time." Ryan reassured him. Castle nodded._ Think, Rick. Think. _

Big guy broke in, you hit him THWAK. Big guy gets pissed, comes towards you...hands out around your-

"He threw me against the desk." Castle remembered. He glanced over and saw blood on the edge of his desk. Now it was making a little more sense. "I don't think I was out though. He asked for the code for the safe and I wouldn't give it to him. He tried to beat it out of me but it didn't work that well."

Esposito looked over at the safe again.

"Then how did-"

"Alexis." He interrupted. "He threatened to go after Alexis. He knew I sent her and Mom to the Hamptons. He knew my address there. He knew the make, model and color of the car they're in."

"You believed him?" Ryan asked. Castle shook his head.

"I had to give it to him though." He replied. "He made a phone call." Esposito gave him a quizzical look. "He had a guy. He called him up and I could hear Alexis and Mom in the background. He was going to do it if I didn't."

Ryan had his phone out again.

"I'm calling for a detail on them. We have to be here, but we'll have someone on them."

Castle shook his head. _Woah, bad idea._ He nearly threw up. "I want the detail, but can we really trust anyone else?"

"At this point we're going to have to, at least until we can make it down there ourselves." Ryan answered. His answer seemed to satisfy Castle. It was better than nothing.

"Could you grab my phone? It should still be upstairs. I want to make sure they're okay but I don't want to scare them...I might just check in, or something. I need to make sure he really called off his man." Castle was finding it hard to breathe. This was the week from hell. If the man behind this tried taking anyone else away from him, he would probably kill the bastard himself. He wasn't so sure he wouldn't kill him already. Beckett certainly would.

Ryan ran upstairs in search of Castle's phone. Somewhere in the far distance sirens were wailing. _Wailing_...

Castle was starting to lose touch with reality. His head was pounding and the sirens...the sirens were _wailing_...

_Wail_...

Wail.

–**verb (used without object)**

**1.**to utter a prolonged, inarticulate, mournful cry, usually high-pitched or clear-sounding, as in grief or suffering: to wail with pain.

**2.**to make mournful sounds, as music or the wind.

to lament or mourn bitterly.

Castle blinked. He hadn't realized he had closed his eyes. They fluttered for a second, but he couldn't keep them open. He felt like everything was spinning...moving...he thought he was going to be sick again, but the feeling subsided. He opened his eyes again and heard a familiar noise. He tried hard to focus his eyes. Everything was fuzzy, but slowly...slowly he started to see shapes...a box...green lines...

The heart rate monitor was beeping at a slow, steady pace...beep...

beep...

beep...

Castle's eyes felt like lead...

Beep...beep...

He could hear voices fading in and out...

beep...

"He's going to be fine, he just needs to rest. He's had a concussion, but thankfully there wasn't a lot of major damage. There is a lot of bruising to the abdomen and face, but nothing that won't heal fairly quickly."

beep...

Castle's chest was starting to rise and fall normally now...

beep...beep...

"Thank you Doctor."

"We should let him get some rest. The nurses' station is just outside. We'll be by to check on him again soon."

The voices were getting further away now.

A door clicked shut.

He wanted to get up and ask...ask about Alexis, his mother...but he couldn't get up. He couldn't do much of anything. He was exhausted, physically and mentally exhausted. He wasn't any good to anyone like this. He wasn't any good to Beckett like this. _As soon as I can stand up again I'm going to find the son of a bitch that took Montgomery's envelope._ He thought as he started to nod off. _I'm going to get him and we will catch whoever's behind this. I am going to end this. _

_I will._


	10. May Break My Bones

**Apologies for the chapter delays people, it's been crazy. You know, Deathly Hallows 2 being out and all, I've been on a Harry Potter kick! I'm back though! MY GOD writing through the hiatus is hard, but they are FILMING AGAIN! CASTLE IS COMING BACK TO US! HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY! Okay, enough with my weirdness, on to the next chapter. Please PLEASE continue to review, it helps me out a LOT! I love your reviews, they are my nommy candy The more I get the more I'm inspired to write! Truly!**

**Love you all, and hope you enjoy!**

**Xx**

**KE**

His eyelids twitched slightly, fighting against the fact that they felt too heavy to move. He squeezed them shut and blinked. Everything was fuzzy, out of focus...he saw big blurry spots of light, shadows...

Like the manual focus on a camera everything slowly came into focus. Castle blinked again and the shadows became clearer. Two redheads and two unbelievable detectives. He smirked, painfully.

"Hey." He said hoarsely. _Woah. Hard to believe how much your throat dries out when your unconcious for a while... _He coughed. "Could I get some w –water please?" He had barely finished his sentence before Alexis spun around and rushed towards the nurse's station. Martha sat down beside him and grabbed his hand.

"You're-you-" Her voice seemed to stick in her throat and her eyes were red. She wiped at her cheek with the back of her hand. He had never really seen his mother cry before. Not like this. He was overwhelmed by more emotions than he could deal with. More than anything he just felt...bad. His stomach felt like someone had dropped a stone inside it and then swrung it out like a wet towel. His chest was tight and to top it off he was pretty sure he'd broken at least one finger and maybe a rib. He also had a killer headache, which was no doubt attributable to his concussion. He gave his mom's hand a soft squeeze, trying to reassure her, to let her know he was there...or something. Family moments hadn't really been there thing up until this point. They had somehow managed to just, glide on through them and live out their lives without much need for them. They'd had fun, or arguments, but never this. Never trouble like this.

"I'm alright." He said quietly. He could hear Alexis'footsteps getting closer. She slipped through the doorway with a glass of water and handed it to him. He took it with his good hand and downed it. It seemed to provide his insides some temporary relief. The tightness and pain in his stomach lessened as the cool water trickled through him...and then returned almost immediately afterwards. He set the glass down on the side table louder than he had expected.

"You both should make sure you're safe. He was close." Castle said to his mom.

"I told her, Castle." Ryan stepped in. "I went and got them. If they're going to be somewhere it's going to need to be better than the Hamptons. Somewhere we can make sure no one will get to them, or at least, catch whoever it is before they try anything." Esposito nodded.

"What were you thinking?" Castle inquired. Esposito gestured North.

"There's a place about an hour or so from the city we use as a safehouse sometimes, for C.I.s, witnesses in serious and threatening cases, people who's lives are at risk...we could go there." He offered.

"Won't they expect that?" Castle asked. It seemed to predictable.

"Yeah, but what else have we got? It's the best protected. It's our best shot." Esposito replied. This time it was Ryan who nodded in agreement.

"Okay, let's get that set up then. Make sure that-"

"WAIT!"

Everyone in the room stopped and looked at Alexis.

"Don't we get an opinion?" She looked so conflicted, it hurt Castle to look at her. He felt like the worst parent...the worst person on the planet.

"Alexis, I'm sorry I brought you into this. I didn't – I never wanted you to be part of this. If I had known that this was what was going to happen I wouldn't have gotten in so far. This could've all been avoided, and it's my fault...everyone's here and if I had just.." His cheeks were hot and his eyes were stinging but he didn't care. The one person who deserved nothing but the best, the best daughter any parent could ever want...and he had put her in the worst kind of danger. "I'm sorry...for being me, Alexis. I should've been a better dad, I should've taken better care of you and not been such a-"

He had to stop as Alexis came flying at him. Her cheek was pressed tightly against his chest and his words were lost. She had her arms wrapped around him so tight it hurt, but he didn't care. Her pressed his cheek against her hair and gave her a kiss on the top of her head. He remembered when she was small enough to fit in his arms, when she was a baby...and now here she was all grown up, but still his little girl. It terrified him. She said something that he couldn't quite hear, her voice muffled against his hospital gown.

"What did you say?" He pulled his head back to look at her. She pulled away and looked at him, holding his hand.

"I said I wasn't arguing about a safe place. I just had a suggestion...and don't you _ever_ try to tell me you're a bad father again. Don't even think that." She said in responsible tone he hated to admit that he loved. "You're the best dad in the world. And you're mine. So stop it." Castle couldn't help but let a smile cross his face.

"You telling me what to do?" He laughed. Alexis smiled back and rolled her eyes at him.

"Always." She laughed, giving his hand a squeeze. "You'll be 80 and I'll still be helping you out."

"I hope so." He replied. "What was your suggestion?" He pulled on her hand so she could sit close to him on the edge of the bed.

"Well I was just thinking, they're going after everyone close to this case, right? So that means they'll probably go after Mr. Beckett too." Alexis started. Castle's heart jumped into his throat at the thought. He hadn't even considered that, and he wanted to smack himself for forgetting. Ryan slipped out of the room again, making what Castle assumed was a phone call to Jim. "I was thinking that we should get him too, and then we could all go somewhere safe together, but not somewhere they'd expect." Alexis continued. "Mr. Beckett was telling me about his summer cottage he has in the Catskills. We could go and bring, well...some sort of security. We'd be away from the city. It would give you guys time here to sort out what's going on."

Castle didn't say anything. He wasn't sure how he felt about going to a secluded cabin. Generally that's how people in horror movies died. Of course, this wasn't a horror movie, it was his life, and she was more likely to be killed sitting in her own bedroom. Catskills might be safer. With security. Lots of security. Castle sighed and looked at Esposito.

"I don't like it, but-"

"But it's an option." Esposito said.

"It would be easier for him to get to us if we're all in the city. Smaller target." Ryan added, re-entering the room. "I caught the tailend of the plan."

"We might be underestimating his arsenal. I think he has more connections than you think." Esposito said.

"Well what are the options? Stay at home and risk being killed. Predictable safehouse with security in the city? Unpredictable cabin with security in the middle of nowhere? ..." Castle asked, half for them and half for himself. He struggled for more. Those weren't really good enough. "We know he has connections to the police. I don't think I'm comfortable with security...I mean...I want it, but to be honest, who the hell can we trust?" The room was silent. The truth dropped like an anvil and the options were crushed beneath it.

"We'll go." Esposito suggested. "We'll be the security."

"That's the best option I've heard." Ryan agreed.

"You would have to leave soon. When no one expects it either." Castle told them. Ryan and Esposito exchanged humored glances.

"Don't worry bro, we know how to do this. It's our job, remember?" Esposito laughed.

"Mine too." Castle added. "In theory."

"Tell you what. You come up with the 'theory' and we'll put that into action." Ryan said. "Put both our jobs to good use."

"What about you?" Martha said, looking at Rick. "You're injured. Becektt's injured. You're both on their 'hit list' and you're not in fighting condition."

Castle couldn't hide a small smirk. "Mom, don't say 'hit list'. Ever. And don't worry, I have a plan." He tapped his temple with his blood pressure cuffed finger. "I always have a plan."

Martha raised an eyebrow. "Hoo boy...here we go."


	11. But Words Will Never Hurt Me

**Hey amazing FanFic friends So I wasn't sure whether or not to continue this story. I've always found it hard to continue once the writers establish canon, but I want to try anyways! Here's what's happening in my world of Castle. Thanks so much for your support and comments, please keep 'em coming, I need them now that Castle's back! Otherwise I'll just be fangirling over what's canon and leave my poor story and I don't want to! This was drawn up pretty quickly but I DO want to try to keep this more regularly posted. **

**LOVE YOU ALL! **

**(Also, be sure to check out Nycbeckett and her Castle Fanfic as well! Go comment on it! She's super sweet!)**

**xx**

**KE**

The only thing lighting the dirt road up to Jim's cottage were a few sparsely erected street lamps and whatever dim glow the crescent moon gave off. The street lamps cast an orange glow through the car window and flickered across Kate's face as she slept.

_They had taken three cars and the trip took nearly three hours. Esposito and Ryan had taken responsibility for packing their own bags and their "security gear" while Martha, Jim and Alexis had packed bags for themselves, Castle and Beckett. They had agreed that the best departure plan would be to keep Castle and Beckett at the hospital as long as possible while they prepped the bags and cars and then pick them up through the Ambulance Garage. Esposito and Lanie were taking Castle and Beckett, Ryan was driving Alexis and Martha, and Jim was leading in his car. _

Esposito grimaced as the car hit a fairly large pothole. Kate moaned softly in her sleep as the car dipped up and down the dirt road.

"Javier, could you try not to hit every pothole in the road?" Lanie whispered, glancing back at Kate and Rick in the back seat.

"Believe me, I'm trying..." He muttered, his eyes pinned on Jim's taillights. Lanie checked the time: 5:43AM.

"Are we almost there? I don't want to keep her propped up like that for too long. She needs to lie down." Lanie said. Esposito shrugged.

"I'm fine Lanie. Stop worrying." Kate's voice made Lanie jump. She craned her neck to look back at her.

"Girl, you scared the crap out of me...how long have you been awake?"

Kate smirked but kept her eyes closed. Her head was resting on Castle's shoulder.

"Sleeping on and off. We're there." She answered. "I remember that bump in the road. Always woke me up as a kid." It seemed like just as the words left her mouth Jim's car vanished around a corner. Esposito hit the left signal and pulled up behind him. Kate let her eyes open slowly. They felt gritty and heavy, and she pressed her palms against her eyelids. Ryan's headlights lit up the driveway behind them as he pulled in and then, almost in sync, they all turned off their engines.

The sound of crickets swam through the air, muted at first, but louder as they opened their car doors.

Lanie came up to Kate's door and opened it for her.

"Come on, let's get you inside." She held out her hand to help her up. Kate winced, and clutched the car door with her other hand. Finally she was standing on the gravel driveway. It was warm and it smelled different there. It wasn't like New York. It smelled like...nature; trees, fresh rain, campfires...and 6AM.

"Smells like dirt...and rain. Which is mud. It smells like mud." Castle had emerged from the car looking groggy and still half asleep. Half his hair was sticking up on end and he was leaning on the car door, probably to help him stay standing. "Did you know Washington Irving's story Rip Van Winkle took place in the Catskills?" He muttered through a yawn. He stood up and slammed the car door shut. "Except he didn't spell it Catskills...with a C-A-T..." Castle kept on going. Apparently when he was tired he was like the Little Engine that Couldn't Stop Talking. He was ambling up the driveway behind Jim, Lanie and Kate. "He spelled Catskills with a K-A-A-T..."

"Castle," Lanie sighed, without turning around, "I was awake this whole trip making sure you were actually asleep and not unconscious. I haven't slept...if you don't stop talking about cats and their damn skills, I'mma smack you." That seemed to work and they made it up to the front steps in silence. Ryan and Esposito pulled the bags out of the cars and lined them up along the porch. The porch light was making a steady buzzing noise, which was only made louder by the bugs that were flying around it. Alexis still had her eyes closed and was leaning on Martha, who seemed to be particularly interested in swatting flies with her black gloves. Castle, who still hadn't said a word since Lanie shut him down, was practically hugging one of the porch pillars. A small spider was threatening to crawl across one of the sleeves of his blue plaid shirt. Lanie shifted her weight from her left to her right foot and readjusted to support Kate.

Jim turned his key and opened the door. The door creaked on its hinges and immediately everyone could tell that no one had been inside for a while. By the looks on Jim and Kate's faces, they probably hadn't been back since before Johanna had died.

"Alright, everybody in." Jim took a deep breath and flicked the light switch.

It was like the slow amble of the living dead. After everything that had happened in the past couple weeks, they could barely summon enough energy to move. Ryan and Esposito were the last to step inside, after tossing the suit cases and duffel bags from the porch to the foyer.

"We're gonna keep you two on the main floor for now. I don't want you climbing any stairs and hurting yourselves worse than you already are." Lanie lowered Kate gently onto the sofa in the living room.

"That couch turns into a sofa bed." Jim gestured to where Kate was sitting. "There's a guest bedroom through that door." He pointed to the door to the right of the television. "Bathroom's the door to the left."

"Martha, Alexis; you two can have the second guest room upstairs." Jim continued. "You three, if you don't mind sharing...Katie's old bedroom has a daybed in the corner, so three of you could squeeze in there if you like." Ryan held up his hand, volunteering himself, "I know...daybed." He chuckled.

"Well..." Martha was starting to wobble under the pressure of Alexis leaning on her. "It's been a helluva week. Shall we?" She gestured upstairs. The mention of sleep was enough to snap everyone out of it and head to their respective bedrooms. Lanie and Jim managed to alternate supporting Kate and prepping the sofa bed. Castle had somehow managed to slip away to the guest bedroom and pass out on top of the comforter. One of his shoes was halfway off his foot and the other was in the middle of the room.

"Get some sleep, okay? You need _anything_ and you call me." Lanie said firmly from the stairs as she headed to bed. "I don't want to hear these stairs _creak_. If you fall down and get killed I swear I will bring you back and kill you myself."

Kate's eyes were halfway open but she laughed, softly. "Yeah, I hear you. I'll be fine."

Lanie just raised an eyebrow and shook her head at her. "Mmmhmm..." she smirked and disappeared upstairs.

It was just Jim and Kate in the living room now. He sat slouched in the brown leather La-Z Boy watching his daughter breathing. He had never taken his daughter's life for granted, it wasn't that this was some sudden realisation, it was just...a day ago she had been nearly dead on an operating table. Hours ago she was hooked up to machines that were breathing for her. Now here she was, breathing on her own again...Lying on the same couch that she had sat on as a little girl watching the Fox and the Hound, begging him to bring home a fox for her.

_They grow up too fast._ He thought. From carrying her around when she was no bigger than the length of his forearm, to crawling...to training wheels...and after the training wheels come off it's like a race to grow up. Jim ran his fingers through his grey hair and for the first time he felt very old. He pushed himself out of the recliner and crossed the room to the sofa bed. He pulled up the blankets over Kate and made sure she was warm enough. He bent over and kissed her forehead and then, he walked towards the kitchen. There was one more thing he needed to do. He quietly opened one of the kitchen cupboard doors and pulled out a glass. He held it under the tap and filled it to the brim with water. Jim found his way back to the living room and set the glass of water on the coffee table beside Kate. Smiling to himself, he turned his back and headed up the stairs, lost in memories.

"_Katie, is that you?" Jim crept down the hall, his feet sinking into the soft carpet._

"_Daddy? Daddy I'm thirsty. I need a drink of water." A quiet voice echoed from the bathroom. He peered around the bathroom door and there she was, huddled behind the toilet in her little pink housecoat._

"_Why are you crying, kiddo? What's the matter?" He squatted down beside her and brushed her hair out of her eyes._

"_Nothing Daddy." She whispered. "I-I am fine." She said in her big-girl speak. _

"_Come on Katie, you can tell me. I'll keep it a secret, I promise. Won't tell anybody." Jim gently bopped her nose with his finger. _

"_No...no I just needed a drink." She said again. Jim turned and saw her plastic cup on the floor. He picked it up and held it under the tap. A little squeal of terror came from behind the toilet as he turned the tap on._

"_It's a little loud, isn't it?" He whispered, turning the tap down until it was just dripping." There you go. All better." He held the cup out to her and she crawled out from her hiding place._

"_Thank you." She coughed and took a small sip of water. Then she wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her housecoat._

"_Come on, let's get you all tucked in. Where's Mr. Biggles?" Jim followed her own the hallway to her bedroom. She plopped the cup on her bedside table and a drop sloshed down the side. _

"_Daddy!" She laughed; pulling a very "loved" stuffed panda out from under her sheets. "His name is Bamboo!" Jim grabbed the old panda bear and made him dance across the mattress._

"_Ohhh, I'm so sorry Mr. Bamboo." He put on his best panda-accent. Kate bent over and giggled._

"_Haha...Daddy, you're silly. Give me him. You're going to make him dizzy." She leaned back and slipped underneath her blankets with Bamboo wedged between her arms._

"_Goodnight Katie." He bent over and kissed her forehead._

"'_Night Daddy." She said quietly. Jim turned for the door._

"_Daddy?" Kate whispered again._

"_Yeah honey?" He replied. Kate fiddled with Bamboo's paws, refusing to look up at him. Brave little Katie. Avoid defeat at all costs. _

"_Can you always bring me my water?" She asked him, being sure to add, "A-secretly?" Jim chuckled._

"_I'll tell you what...every night before bed I'll make sure you've got your quiet water by your bed. Okay?" Kate nodded._

"_Okay." _

_Jim hit the lightswitch, grabbed the doorknob and started to pull the door closed._

"_Daddy?" Her voice sounded so quiet and small in her room. _

"_Yes, honey?" He asked, through the crack in the doorway._

"_I love you." She whispered._

"_I love you too." He whispered back._


End file.
